Butterflies and Bullshit

Chapter 1- Born into Pain pt 2

I had never even kissed a boy and I had managed to earn the worst reputation in town.  I really do not even think the children I grew up with even understood why they called me those names.  They just followed the rumors and what their parents said.  As you know children can be the cruelest humans on earth at times.  It is what their parents teach them.

I would go to church every Sunday and people would start talking about me.  I would look around the entire congregation and think, “How can you talk to God, still call me names and blame ME?  How can you say you believe in God, judge me,  and not know God loves EVERYONE?”  Jesus said, “Do not judge another unless you want to be judged.”

At this moment I had now hit a dangerous suicidal level at 11 years old and I began to dream of being dead.  I just shoved it deep inside where nobody could see it.  My grandmother at one point told me it would make me a better person and the next door neighbor called me the “devil’s spawn”.  But for some reason, I took pride in the neighbor saying that and still do to this day. They said that girl is a problem, nothing but a goddamn problem. People were so cruel and most of them religious with closets full of their own skeletons.

My world was exploding in a million pieces and I began to learn the art of escapism.  I began to see a beautiful man in my dreams and daydreams.  I would imagine he was my husband.  I dreamed of this European man who saved me and loved me more than anything on earth.  I saw him in times of ancient Greece.  I was laid on a stone table while he massaged me and said beautiful things to me.  I could feel the way he held me and how he passionately kissed me.  I could see how beautiful he was physically and how we made love together like magic.  I imagined how he made me laugh, I could hear how he talked to me and his words were beautifully romantic.  He treated me like I was a Queen.

This man would be in my thoughts every day of my life and still is to this day.  My soul stops every time I have thoughts about him.  I wished so badly that dream would come true and he could rescue me from this hell.  As the reality lights went off in my mind, I tore myself apart saying I would never deserve a man like that.  So I would always try to forget about him remembering the things others said about me.  I felt nobody would want a disgusting person like me.

The court system sentenced my grandfather to nine years of probation and nine years of Alcoholics Anonymous once a week.  He never spent a day in jail for what he had done to me or the torture he had done to others.  He was allowed to continue with his sickness.  He was completely free.  I was imprisoned in hell trying to survive every day of my life.

I was told years later by the County Attorney that he was always parked at the playground at the elementary school watching the children.  Only God knows if he did anything to another child, but I pray the ignorance of that judge did not cause another child to suffer because of this man.  I was the 4th generation of incest in my family that I know of.  It was a normal part of all their lives I guess, but I made a very important vow to myself not to continue this insanity.  This continuous pattern generation after generation was stopping with me.  I was not going to continue the madness, secrets and lies.  I also decided I never wanted to have children so nobody could ever hurt them.

At 12 years old, I really don’t remember very much about our home life during that year.  I am not sure what happened to our parents but that is when I became a mother.  I assumed the responsibility of taking care of my brother and little sisters.  Our parents were never home.  Our family was very poor, we did not have much food and we never ate much.  It is here when my body developed the ability to not have the feeling of hunger.  To this day I still fight the battle of making myself eat.  I just forget about it.  Sometimes I do not eat for days because I do not feel hunger or think about eating.

My mother also made the decision to continue to take us to our grandparents’ house.  She felt bad for her mother and told me that it was not her fault it happened.  So continuously week after week I had to see this man and relive every second of this nightmare over and over and over.  There was no way to get away from it.  There was no way to escape this hell.  It was everywhere I went.  I will never understand my mother’s choices to continue to be a part of this asshole’s life.  But we just kept going to visit them.

We also spent birthdays and holidays with him.  He never touched me again but I never left myself in a situation where he could.  I stayed close to my parents.  It was not very nice to grow up having to constantly look over your shoulder.  It was complete mental torture that never ended. I had to relive it over and over.  Everyone looked away at what he had done.  Yet, I was being made fun of by children in school, pointed at by society, living in hell trying to survive and drowning in the fear of it happening again.  My childhood was stripped from me.

However, I was lucky enough to grow up on a road that was one mile long out in the country.  The children I grew up with were wild, crazy and fun. We were always adventuring through the woods and playing by the rivers.  It was the perfect escape for my mind to have them in my life.  I do not think they will ever understand how much I appreciate them to this day.  I found my freedom being alone in nature.  It is where my heart was free from everything and everyone.  I would go far out somewhere, sit alone and just talk to myself.

Nature was my therapist.  I did not have a healthy childhood.  Age 8 years old until age 11, I was having sex with my grandfather.  Then the community turned on me and sadly at twelve I became a 2nd mother.  The environment of nature was where I could go get lost, escape the world, and dream of a beautiful, loving, peaceful future.  Without those crazy and fun neighbor kids I am sure I would have killed myself.  There was nothing to live for.

Yet, as a very young child I magically was given this amazing gift to heal my mind, let go and move on.  Life was definitely not fair but somehow I survived though it, sometimes barely breathing, but I always kept my head above water.

Now as you can expect coming into the teen years I turned to drugs and alcohol to escape my lonely hell.  Addiction of all kinds can be added to the potpourri of problems I already had.  I found a way to make myself feel better even if it was just for a moment.  Now this is where the real party begins.

~The world will not be destroyed by evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything. ~ Albert Einstein

 ~I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.” ~Dolly Parton

~I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.” ~Kurt Cobain

~The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first. ~Jim Morrison

~Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be, but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean! ~Bob Marley

~Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain, in reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it and accept it. ~ Unknown~

~Be careful because sometimes when someone comes back for a second chance, is because they aren’t done hurting you yet. 

~Your heart can break, your soul can ache, your confidence can shake, your smile can be fake, but your life is never a mistake.

Thank you so much for reading. I love you!

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Copyright © 2011 by Natalie Newman All rights reserved

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