Butterflies and Bullshit

Chapter 5- The Divine Intervention of Natalie Newman

On March 11th 2007, my life changed completely forever.  After I had left my home to get away from the abuse, I was trying to find out who I was and where the hell I was going.  I had no idea where or how I was going to get there.  All I knew was I had to decide if I would try to keep my children, how I would survive and if I even wanted to stay alive.

Unfortunately, I felt death was the only answer.  I felt I had nothing to give anybody.  I felt everyone would be so much better if I was dead and out of their lives completely.  I felt I was a horrible mother exposing my children to this horrible suicidal depression and abuse I was living with.

At this moment they had no mother.  I could not seem to escape the horror of abuse and failure.  There was no reason to live anymore.  I had failed in life on earth.  I imagined my children and everyone happy because I was gone.  I dreamed they all beautifully healed from the pain of losing me and everyone was content with life.  They were finally free from watching me dying in deep depression.

I was staying at a parent’s house of a lifetime friend who was like a brother to me.  It was only a mile from my home, I was close to my children, free from the mental and physical abuse.  I began to help his father clean and paint the kitchen of their house.  I had to do something creative to get through it.

Next, my dear friend was on his way to a city three hours away to visit a friend for the night.  He was in a bad mood that day and I was doing my best to avoid him.  He walked through the kitchen while I was painting and did not say anything.  He went to shower before he left.  He came out of the bathroom with intensity in his eyes.  He said to me, “You have to come with me. They were in the bathroom telling me you have to come with me.”  He was completely serious.  I looked at him confused and said, “WHO was talking to you in the shower?”  He said to me, “The spirits and they told me you have to come with me, so get ready to go now.”  I looked at him in disbelief.  I thought he had lost his mind.  I did not want to go anywhere with him and his anger.  However, I got dressed and we left.  I did not say one word to him the entire three hour ride there.

My friend and I got to a church parking lot near the home we were going to.  He called to see if his friends were home yet.  They were still 15 minutes away.  As we sat waiting, he turned and looked at me.  He said, “This dude’s girlfriend is a psychic.”  I said, “oh really, what did she tell you?”  He just stared straight ahead and said, “Everything she said was right.”  Not another word about it.  I was a little curious.  I had never seen a psychic before.  Yet, I chose to sit in the car and wait for him.  I was in no mood to socialize with people I did not know and have some dumb psychic fill my head full of shit.  I wanted to just wait for him so we could go home.  Ten minutes I sat alone in the car swimming in my depressive pool of self-pity.  I was wishing I wasn’t there at that moment and I could just leave this world filled with pain.

Suddenly, a woman the same size as me comes running out the house, jumps in the driver’s seat, puts the keys in the ignition and says, “Where do you want to go?”  I just looked at her with complete confusion.  She looked right into my eyes and said to me “I knew you were coming, I have been waiting and preparing for you for a long time.”

Next, I swallowed hard and my mind raced with the thought of maybe I had done too many drugs in my lifetime.  I thought I was hallucinating.  She took my hand and said to me “You believe in that fairytale love.  I have read 1000’s and 1000’s of people and you are the only one who still believes in the fairytale romance.  Don’t worry honey, you will have it, but you have to get out of where you are now.  He will never change enough to be your fairytale love.  Let go and everything will work out in you favor.”  I was frozen in shock.  What the hell was going on?  Who the HELL was this woman?

She asked me if I wanted to come into the house with her.   I agreed only because I really needed to calm down, look at things from a different perspective and with a more open mind.  She seemed to have some guidance for me.  My instincts said go with her.  So we went into the house.  I felt like I was walking out of my body, walking in some sort of dream with this woman guiding me through.  We sat down and I was spinning off this earth with shock.  Suddenly, she started talking at about 100 miles an hour.  Not once during this time did I ever speak one word.  I sat there straight faced, while this unknown human being began to tell me everything about my past and everything about my present and everything about my future.  I swore to God someone had slipped me some LSD.  I could not believe the words coming out of her mouth.

First, she started with my past.  The connection with the father of my children in past lives and why it is the way it is right now.  He had killed me in many, many lifetimes and took my children from me.  It was a reasonable explanation for his abuse towards me and what was happening at the present moment with him and I.  She told me “You have always been a tortured soul and you need to find the strength in your soul to walk away.  If you do not walk away you will end up dying.”  Honestly, I was already dead in every way, except physical.  She reassured me of my physical health at that present moment.  She told me, “Physically, the depression and pain is literally killing you from the inside out.  Depression does kill and you aren’t far away from death with your physical self, unless you change now.”

She told me my children’s entire journey in this life and past lives.  Explained their souls, told me what and who they were here for.  She ripped through my entire history of this life, from birth to now.  Word for word, like a book, she recited my life to me.  I had never met this woman and I know about 50% of what she said I NEVER TOLD ANYBODY.  She talked about my relationship with my mother and our connection together which explained so much about the relationship we have had to this present moment.

That psychic told me her and I were sisters in Egypt in a past life during the time of the pyramids.  Totally explains my obsession to go stand next to those pyramids.  It is my dream and I will do it.  I will read or watch anything about those times in Egyptian history.  Next, she went on to my last life here as a soul and told me I was 14 year old Jewish girl killed in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II.  This completely answered my question about my infatuation with Hitler and Nazi Germany.  I could never understand that one.  Other kids would be out playing and as a young child and I wanted to look at pictures of World War II Germany.

Next, it was the life before that one I died very young because I drown on the Titanic.  The other sick obsession I had was the mystery of the Titanic.  Let me tell you.  I LOVE WATER.  I love its power and beauty.  But, to be in it or on it, I have extreme panic attacks.  I hate boats and all I can think about is sinking when I am in one.

When I go swimming very rarely do I go past my stomach.  Once that water hits my chest I have panic attacks and I cannot go in farther.  I did learn to swim very well and if I am completely familiar with the area then I am fine.  But 90% of the time you will never see me in the water or on it.  I will be looking at it from the beach.  She also told me I had never lived this long in previous lives.  I was always killed.  It is understandable that my entire life I never dreamed of living past 25.  Now I could see why I went insane and crashed hard when I turned 30.

She moved on to tell me about my three Guardian Angels that were surrounding me.  One was a man who always played tricks on me.  Here I always thought I was losing my mind.  I would put something somewhere and it would disappear for days and return or end up some place else.  She told me he is the one doing it.  Next Guardian Angel was my grandmother from my very first lifetime and that she rocks me when I cry.  Damn, when I cry really hard, I uncontrollably rock back and forth.  I do not even notice it until I have been doing it for a long time and then I wonder why the hell I rock every time I cry.  To this present day, today, I still rock when I cry hard because she is still with me now.

The third Guardian Angel around me was a 17- 18 year old boy.  This young man chose to watch over me as a gift to my birth father.  He wanted to repay him for being such a good friend.  I did call my father and ask him if anyone had died in his life at 17-18 years old.  He hesitated for a moment and said, “My best friend died at 18 and it took me a very long time to get over it.”  I told him, “Well he is here watching over me for you because you were such a great friend to him.”  I felt it click in his head over the phone, he believed me.  How would I have known to ask him that question out of the sky?  There was no way possible for me to know that unless what she said was real.  My father knew that.

She explained every problem I had, why I had it and what I needed to do to survive it.  She went back to the fairytale love explaining to me that there was only three men on this earth that could handle me, make me happy, accept me completely for who I am, and love me the way I dreamed of.  Furthermore, if I left the one I was with now, I would know who #1 was by my next birthday.  My birthday was in October and 7 months away.  She told me so many things that I could write an entire book on that night and also so much got lost because too much was said.

Last, but not least, she told me this is my last life on earth.  I have come here to accomplish everything as a soul and never return.  Honestly, I think I was so damn grateful to hear that because I really could not wait to get out of “here” my entire life.  Onward, she told me that I was here to help save the world, teach people to pray, to help save Mother Earth, fight for world peace, help women and children all over the world.

At that point I think I got sick to my stomach.  I had lost complete control of all of my emotions.  I began to drift in and out of consciousness.  I was not on this earth or inside myself.  My brain was overwhelmed and she could see it.  She said “I will stop.  It is too much huh?”  Yes it was.  I had no idea what to believe at that point.  I just knew it had to stop.  I was laying personally scattered all over her floor in a trillion pieces.

I only asked her two questions the entire three and half hours she talked non-stop to me.  I said, “Why me, why would God choose a pile of shit like me?  I am nothing and I am not a good person at all.”  She smiled at me with great compassion. Calmly, she told me, “Natalie, if you need someone to help you and understand you, are you going go to the local church and talk to the lady in a pretty dress, with a pearl necklace with a perfect life?  FUCK NO!  That woman is not going to understand you.  What you need is someone who has been through what you have and understands your hell.  People need you because you understand them.”

At that moment I knew what she was talking about.  My entire body got warm and a tingle went up through all of it.  I had felt that way about everyone trying to dig in my head who had only read it in a damn book.  My powerful passion to help others had just been confirmed by this woman.  I knew I had lived through all this hell to help others who had less strength than me.  Surviving all this hell was for a reason.  I could see and understand very clearly.

The last question I asked her was, “How the hell am I going to teach the world how to pray, do all these things to help create world peace, plus help woman and children all over the world?  That is an overwhelming responsibility for one human being.  I can’t save myself so how I am going to do my part in saving the damn world?  Seriously?  WTF?”

She looked at me with a slight smile and said to me, “The world is going to come to you.  Don’t worry about those things now.  Do what you have to do to survive and get out of the life you’re in at the moment. You have freewill to decide if you want to do it or not.”  All I could think was “How in the hell was the world going to find me?  I live in the middle of nowhere, eight miles from the nearest civilization.  I am in the woods two hours from Canada for God sakes.”

My friend could see I mentally had enough and we decided to go back home.  This woman had just completely dissected me in three and half hours, I was exhausted and could not take one more word.  We got to the door to walk out and she said to me, “Go back home to your children.  You don’t want child abandonment and lose them.  End that relationship if you choose.  Trust that everything will work out.  You will get your children, your home and the fairytale love.  Don’t worry!  It is going to happen. I live up there by you and as soon as the snow melts I will be back up there to work with you.  Just survive until I get there.”

I got in the car and sat down.  I really couldn’t breathe and I had no emotion.  My friend looked at me and very sweetly said, “Are you okay?”  I replied, “I am okay, thank you for making me come down here, you literally saved my life.”  Smiling, he said back, “I told you she was right.”  I burst uncontrollably into hard crying, an intense rush of pain bolted through my body, but also relief flowed out of me with volcanic action.  I cried the whole entire three hour ride home.

She was right about everything.  I was in disbelief of what had just happened to me.  It was truly an intervention by God to save my life.  I was free!  Everything was answered but it was all so unbelievable to swallow at this moment.  I was off this earth for days after that trying to sort my way through everything she said and understand it.  Every day I am still working on understanding everything she said.

Please people, listen to your instincts.  Even through your pain, everyday life and anger, hear what is being said to you.  You may not understand why you need to do something at that very moment, but do it.  I thank God every day my friend forced me to go with him and listened to the crazy voices in his head.

My current life best friend (who is like a brother to me) and my sister from my past life came together with the help of many angels and saved my life that night.  DIVINE TIMING!  I was mentally, spiritually, emotionally already dead.  Physically my body was ready to give in if I didn’t do it myself first and commit suicide.  My life sentence was up.

I will never forget that moment.  The angels came down and guided my friend to get me to this woman.  Angels told her every possible thing about me and guided her words to save my life.  Truly, a moment created ONLY by God.  My faith was completely restored.  Discomfort is the call to set yourself free.  You must go through the worst to arrive at your best.  Although, she never told me the path ahead would be so damn difficult.

My weirdness will make me stronger. My dark side will keep me whole. My vulnerability will connect me to the rest of our suffering world. My creativity will set me free.  There’s nothing wrong with me.

  ~Sometimes we have to lose something precious in order to gain something priceless

~You’ll never find the right person if you never let go of the wrong one.

~When your ex says, “You’ll never find anyone like me.”  Reply back with “That’s the point.”

~You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over analyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces back together,  justifying what  could’ve, would’ve happened OR you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on. ~Tupac

~The 3 C’s of life- Choices, Chances, Changes.  You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

~Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

~And then one day she decided to do something different with her life, and that made all the difference… Choose life!

~Just went the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Thank you so much for reading. I love you!

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Copyright © 2011 by Natalie Newman All rights reserved

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