Introduction- Bullshit

Life: nothing but an adventure into the unknown.  One minute my life was like a dream.  The next minute it fell into a pit of hell.  Was it all just an illusion I created to make everything feel good?  I don’t know anything about anything right now.  As I look at this moment I have no answers, no words, just complete confusion. I have lived in this illusion that my faith in God will get me through.  That God is my only true source of everything.  Am I willing to risk it all on the illusion that God will take care of me and that God’s plans for me are greater than my dreams?  At this point I have EVERYTHING to lose.  So a choice must be made now.

I am not perfect in any way, HELL NO!  Every time I think my ass is doing well and everything is wonderful, BAM.  I get hit with the reality stick right between the eyes.  I managed to mess everything up along the way.  Thank God I learn fast from my mistakes.  I hate pain.  I don’t want to feel it over and over again for the same thing.  Yet, it seems to be what I keep doing.  I am constantly banging my head against the wall.  Making the same mistakes but at higher levels each time.  How the hell did I get here when I tried so goddamn hard to do my best?  Now I am sitting here questioning everything.  I am lost, spinning in dizziness and confusion.  I have no idea even which direction to swim.  Everything keeps trying to pull me down.  I feel like I am drowning fast.

It is August 28, 2011.  I look at this moment now and wonder how the hell did I get HERE?  How have I screwed up so bad to get myself HERE?  How did I survive through all the horrible disasters in my life and still only be HERE.  I never believed I would live to see 25 years old.  I almost didn’t because of abuse, drug addiction, depression, and suicidal tendencies.  I am now 41 years old.  It seems I still don’t know anything.  I am sitting here now telling myself I need to write it all out.  Hoping it will lead to figuring out how the hell I am going to survive and get out of this mess.

My physical self is exhausted.  I don’t take care of myself because I am too busy taking care of everyone else.  I don’t eat well, dehydrated, and in terrible physical pain from the emotional pain I carry around.  I seriously need to think about myself and take care of this temple I live in.  I am not getting any younger.  God gave me the gift of this beautiful body and I abuse it by never taking care of it.

My mental health is at a point of either they lock my ass up for being insane or everything is really beautiful.  I can’t get help from mental health professionals because every time I see a therapist either I outsmart them or they tell me I have overcome so much on my own. They ask why I even need them.  My levels of thinking are far above most professionals.  Yet, I just can’t seem to figure out if I really am crazy with all this madness I see in my head.  Or, is my life really filled with so much magic and beauty.

My emotional health is a roller coaster ride from Heaven to Hell.  Sometimes that ride can happen 2-3 times a day.  Sometimes that ride is within a minute.  Life hands me my ass so fast.  I just try my best to ride it and stay centered.  Most times it is not my own problems.  Others just fill me with sadness because of their moment or situation.  I absorb other’s pain and emotions so very easily.  I try so hard to be my best and fail.  My result seems to only create more confusion within myself.  Self-esteem becomes an issue and I begin to wonder why the hell I even try when I can never get it right.

My spiritual health is growing and very healthy.  But, is that all an illusion too?  What is real and what have I created in my head?  I work my butt off to stay centered to get through the moments I am put through.  The questions are: Will smiling, loving and trusting in God get me through life?  Can I truly survive on my faith in God and the Universe alone?  Or, am I completely delusional?  Does God really exist?  Does God love a person like me who doesn’t seem to listen and keeps making huge mistakes every day?  Should I listen to my friends that tell me to stop living in a dream and give up my faith that God is taking care of me?   Should I swoop down to the level most humans are spiritually?  Most people are non-believers living in a world of negative reality.  I love my relationship with God and the Angels.  Truly, I don’t know any other way at the moment.

I look at my children.  They are so beautiful, happy, healthy, strong, intelligent, nice, popular, and loved.  They love me so very much.  How did they get like that?  Their fathers show them so much negative.  Yes, they love their children.  But, they are not quite aware of what they have dragged their children through.  However, I am not here to point fingers at anyone.  I am not one to talk.  I am so wrapped up in my own shit trying to survive, I forget about what I have put them through.  They have stood beside me while I fight this battle through hell trying to save my life.

As for my relationship, well that is kind of how I got HERE.  Love: confuses us, destroys us, kills us, hurts us, blinds us, and yet we cannot live without it.  We lose track of who WE are and we hang on so tightly.  What we really need is to let go.  Now I am stuck in the middle of the road being pulled in two directions.  I feel like I am going to be split in half.  I do not know whether to let him go or hang on.

My beautiful man lives in Sweden and I am in the USA.  We have been together 15 months and have no physical relationship.  He has come here twice for a total of 7 weeks.  We survive on video calls and trust.  I love this man more than any human on earth, except my children.  He is perfect in every way for me.  I have given up everything I had trying to help and guide him.  Trying my best to love him unconditionally through every dark and painful moment he has to go through.  In the process, I enabled his behavior and allowed him to disrespect me for 15 months.

I know in my heart he did not want to be like this.  But at this point he has destroyed almost all of my trust.  He disrespects my time.  I wait for him patiently and sometimes for days.  I beg and plead with him over and over to just be nice for a moment so I can save my life.  That is when he screws up the worse and hurts me so deeply.  I am hurt and angry because I wasted my precious time when I could have been doing something so much better.

Now, it has snowballed into something huge.  It forced both of us to look deep inside ourselves about everything.  I chose to work very hard and change everything he managed to see wrong with me.  Yet, he just lived in denial with his ego, aggression and stubbornness pointing the finger at me every time a problem arose.  Yes, he did work very hard on himself in so many ways.  But, it seemed he worked on every other part of his life instead of our relationship.  That is why I felt like I was the problem and I worked so damn hard on changing myself.  I just could not make him happy.

Like everyone, I have been patiently waiting for the “right one” to show up.  When we start a new relationship we have to learn, change, and suffer to understand each other.  Then question ourselves if this really is the “right one”.  I feel in my heart he is the right one and that I love him.  But what the hell do I have to go through before I can’t take anymore?  If I walk away, then I will wonder if I gave up too soon or if it could have worked.  When a relationship strips you of your freedom, integrity and is sucking the life out of you, is it love?  When do you stop giving them chances?

Another big problem I have is I love so intensely I destroy everything.  I tried so hard to love him that I forgot about myself, my life, my friends, my home, my financial situation and my kids.  I was swimming in pain because of his actions, my reactions and the difficult lessons I was learning through it all.  Now I look around and say “Holy Shit Natalie, what have you done?”  I put everything I had into love and now I am on a hairline of losing everything I have.  Was the suffering worth it?  Can I still get my ass out of this mess?  Does he think I have the rest of my life to wait for him to change?  I am tired of fighting the same fight over and over with little results.

Finally, the other day my Swede had an epiphany about how he was treating me.  He blurted out everything I have been thinking, feeling, and saying to myself through this entire mess.  I dreamed of this day for over a year hoping he would wake up and see it.  I expected it to be a moment of happiness because then we could finally move forward.  Instead, it was a slap in the face.  He was holding up a mirror of all the shit I put up with.  Questioning what I am doing and what I have done to everything in my life.  He questioned what kind of woman I was to stand there and take all his abuse trying to love him.  Once again, allowing myself to be a victim like I have my entire life.  I felt stupid, embarrassed, ashamed, and all alone.  I just wanted to run so far and never stop.  I just can’t get ANYTHING right.

I don’t know whether I should stand beside him or walk away.  I don’t know if I can stay with him while he is dealing with his horrible moment of realization.  I will definitely carry his pain and keep spiraling down.  I don’t know if I even have the strength anymore, especially now.  Yet, the world is heaven on earth when we are together and getting along.  That man is my very best friend.  I have never trusted anyone to know everything about me.  I did tell him everything about me and he still loves me so very, very much.  I don’t want to or know how to live without him.  He has grown into such a beautiful man, but his darkness is so deep.

Furthermore, I am not sure I can save him.  I am not sure if I have any more energy to do it.  I may have to walk away into the unknown and walk alone.  All I know is the pain has almost destroyed me.  I have to decide which way to turn before it is too late.  I may have to let go of my greatest love to find myself and save my damn life.  How do you handle that?  What the hell do you do?

We have many soul mates in life.  Most are here to teach us lessons to elevate us to a greater love.  But, also a greater love and respect for ourselves.  If we don’t learn, we stay trapped until we do.  Where do you draw the line of being content, not needing, wanting and deserving better?  If you keep setting higher standards for yourself and walk away, did you just miss out on the “right one” because you didn’t have patience or understanding?   Love is the most risky and confusing shit on earth.

Now I have to pay for my actions loving someone, pick up the mess, swallow my pride, and go forward.  My heart is blown into a million pieces.  Did I work so hard to help him become such a wonderful man for some other woman to benefit from my suffering?  Or do I just face the fact that maybe it is some other woman he needs?  I just want what is best for him.  That’s what love is about, even if it doesn’t include you.  I became the woman I am today because of his actions.  But, also because I wanted to suit his needs.  Maybe that wasn’t what he needed.  Back to the old saying- “If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it’s yours.  If it doesn’t, it never was.”  I guess I may need to just suck it up and let go.  What the hell do I have to lose?  I have already lost almost everything.  Is it time to close this door and heal myself before I do lose it all?

So now let’s move into my financial situation at this moment.  I was basically forced to quit my job 3 years ago because they said I couldn’t have the manager position I was already working.  The General Manager said it was because I had children.  Discrimination- yes, but how the hell do you prove when it is your word against theirs?  Then I lost my driver’s license because someone from Serbia was driving a car in someone else’s name.  There was no insurance and I got the ticket.  I cannot get my license back because I have to get insurance on myself for a year.  The amount is about $1200.  I don’t have a vehicle anymore because they all died.

So yes, I can get a job but I live 8 miles in the woods from the nearest town.  I could walk approximately 6 hours a day and 16 miles to get there.  Hell yeah, I would have a great ass and legs that’s for sure. But, let’s be realistic.  Six months of the year it is winter here.  The only way I can make money is if I find a way to do it from home.  Almost every business at home takes money to start in some way.

My home is months behind on payments.  My electric is supposed to get shut off at any moment.  I spent the money for the house payment to buy necessities for living, food, phone, and internet.  I need the phone in case of emergencies because my son is deathly allergic to bees and it is summer.  I need the internet to write, keep my relationship going, have contact with my friends so I can mentally and emotionally survive.  My house is falling apart and needs a lot of work.  Winter is around the corner and it gets so damn cold here. I need to insulate it.  If my water pipes freeze I have to walk away because it is almost impossible to crawl under the house and fix those pipes.

The house is still in both my ex and my name.  He is finally at the point that he wants me to buy him out.  However, I can’t even need to make more money to pay the payments. I have nowhere to go with my children if money doesn’t happen.  If my electric gets shut off my ex would be right there to take these kids with social services.  If the phone gets shut off I can’t get my son a ride to the emergency room, he could die.

So, now as I told you, I am left with nothing.  Winter is just a blink of an eye away and I burn wood to heat my house.  I have enough wood for about 2 weeks.  I need enough for 7 months.  We have enough food to survive about a week.  Also, school starts in 1 week.  I don’t have a dime to buy anything for my children.  I feel like such a loser parent.  My heart is so broken because I cannot provide the things my children need.  I do provide for my children all their needs, but nothing extra.

If money doesn’t come I will be knee deep in shit with no home or children.  I paid the phone company only half the bill six days ago.  I didn’t have the rest.  Much to my surprise, they shut off my phone.  It is the beginning of my end?  Or is it the end of life being like this?  Will I swim to shore or drown fighting against everything trying to pull me down?  Do I just give up and surrender?  Or do I keep fighting with everything I have?  This is my story and the lessons I have learned.  I pray the answers will unfold as I write it.  I am going to take you on my journey to find these answers and myself.  Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere you find yourself.

 

~And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future.  Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

~When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. ~ John Lennon

~Remember that the first impression that you get from someone isn’t necessarily a true reflection of their personality. There are still many layers beneath the surface that must be uncovered before the true depth of a person is known. Don’t assume that you know everything about a person just from your first encounter. You may end up disregarding someone completely unless you stop worrying about the attention being focused on you, and start thinking more about the other person.

~Reputations are just history in rumor form, you can change it- Natalie Newman

~ Love is the light that dissolves all walls between souls, families and nations. ~ Paramahansa Yogananda

~ We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us. ~ Marcel Prousu

Thank you so much for reading. I love you!

Copyright © 2011 by Natalie Newman All rights reserved

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